Why was I tense and frowning on my baptism?

I received comments that I looked tense during the whole baptism service. I didn't really notice that, but I can probably explain by telling you what was on my mind during the service.

Actually I was amazed by the timely reassurances on Friday and Saturday, just before the baptism day itself. They were just so last minute and yet in time. I decided to go for the baptism only on last Friday after Aunty Suat Ngoh ressured me that my parents would be fine with my baptism as long as I was sure that I wanted to go for it.

Their consents have been bugging me for a few months. I mentioned to them once a month ago and they advised me to wait until I have decided to stay in Singapore or leave. If I were to leave, there was no point in getting baptised now and here. That sounded logical to me and there was indeed a point there. So even though the baptism was my own desire to make my commitment clear and to express my personal faith and does not depend on the place, it seemes that it's difficult to bring this up to my parents again. Although I strongly believed that baptism was actually just between me and God, but my parents' understanding and consents were very important to me.

I have then decided not to mention it to my parents before baptism, just only maybe if the opportunity arised, I would mention it. I was chatting with my parents over MSN on Saturday night, there was a main topic to discuss: we have just found a buyer who was willing to give a price for the flat that was agreeable to us. So the whole night I was busy with communicating between my parents and the agent-in-charge. There was no chance that I could mention the baptism. Until when my father suddenly asked me why I went to church on Saturday and then again on Sunday. So I told him that I would be going for baptism the next day. They were shocked of course. But after hearing that I was very certain about it, they gave their consents. That was relieving.

Aunty Suat Ngoh has also asked if there is an additional name, like Christian name that I would like to put in the baptism cert. I just told her "Aileen". That was natural. It has been with me for the past 16 or 17 years, though I seldom use it in Singapore. It was chosen by my teacher in HK. I have not been using it because I found it a bit meaningless to use an English name just like that. Since I were to make it formal, I would rather ask my father about it. I asked him to choose between Aileen and Anna (starts with "A"; means Grace and by just the feel of the pronounciation, I feel is suitable for my personality). In the end he chose Anna, so I changed this to Anna only on Sunday, the baptism day itself.

I told my sister about the baptism also only on Saturday night when I had dinner with her. I didn't even have the courage to ask if she would like to attend. I only asked her after lunch on Sunday. Though she hesitated for awhile, but she agreed in the end.

So, with all these happening just before baptism, I think my mind was just so deformed and couldn't get back to the normal relaxed state immediately. So, I was tense right till the moment when I got baptised. It was also compounded with gratitude that they were able to happen just before my baptism. This was exactly how I felt when I was in front of the pool and Edmund took that picture of me looking tense.

After the baptism, when I was standing in front of the congregation, overlooking the whole hall, something else was on my mind. I was astounded, amazed by the work of God on me in this House of God over the past few months. I converted to Christianity when I was in Munich, the belief must have been strong and convincing at that time; I came back from Munich and attended services at Adam Road Presbyterian. The church environment was nice and so were the members. But during those times, I have never felt the connection with, the strong presence of God so strong as I am now experiencing in COR. I just found it amazing, incredible, awesome and I was deeply touched. That was what was on my mind when you all saw me frowning while standing in front of the congregation.

I think I was only eventually competely light-hearted and joyful when we took group photos at the end of the service.

Thanks a lot for your presence on my Baptism. And thanks a lot for the stylish devotional, the CD and the meaningful card. And of course the pictures that you all have taken.

Yan